Sex therapists, educators, and sex life coaches alike all get this question on a weekly basis. People have things in their sex lives that are hot for them, have desires to do things, look at how much sex they’re having and for how long etc. etc. and wonder if where they are or what they’re doing is favorably comparable to their neighbors’ sex lives or the collective in general. Sometimes the question pertains to physical characteristics. Anatomy questions aside, I answer them thusly: “We first have to define “normal” and establish for one’s self a decision to have an extraordinary level of satisfaction with one’s sex life.”
Firstly, part of where people’s assumptions are derived is from how your doctor uses the word, “normal.” In this case it denotes the lack of pathology/illness and proper function of some part of your body or mind. Abnormal. That’s something you hear in test results. We know what that means. Sometimes, but only in a minority of those times, you can use the terms normal and abnormal to categorize a sexual issue. Necrophilia, for example. Yes, definitely mentally abnormal in that doctor’s test sort of serious way. A penis with two heads. Not normal. However, I find in the majority of people’s sex lives, normal and abnormal take on opposite meanings.
One thing that’s very interesting is how often I found myself using the word “normal” during my sessions in reference to my clients’ questions, issues, and goals. A boring sex life? That’s normal. A guy who wants to get into someone’s pants for his pleasure alone and speedy release? Normal. Women who care more about what other women think about their bodies than how sexy their romantic partners think they are — normal. Women faking orgasms and for the same reasons every other woman does: normal. Men that expect great sexual feats from their wives or girlfriends when he’s not willing to reciprocate with learning what to do for her. Yeah, that’s normal.
I call them normal because the issues are so widespread in a great many people’s sex lives everywhere. In other words, to be expected. I can’t call something like a consistently and strongly orgasmic woman abnormal. I can’t call a couple who grow closer through their sex life together not normal. It’s obviously too negative. I call examples like these extraordinary. Everyone loves that word. Most of us want extraordinary things in our lives, but often those wonderful things are also technically not normal. Every time I tell this to clients it brightens their outlook and changes how they use the word “normal” instantly. Another viewpoint, I saw a graphic once that said: “Normal is a cycle on your dishwasher.”
Comparing your sex life to other people’s doesn’t propel a person forward. Crafting your sex life to your taste and customized design does. Start asking instead, “Am I extraordinary?” Then -imagine- what the extraordinary would be like for you. What would it look like, sound like, feel like, etc. This is the very first step and some of the best free advice I can give to anyone who wants to improve her or his sex life.
